I've been on a drug and I never knew the mental damage I was facing. One by one I took a hit and it released so much dopamine that I couldn't help but reach for more. I've been losing sleep, I've been different and everyone's been noticing now.
My chase for this drug has made me lose my core values in the process. As a blogger I am pretty active on social media, especially Twitter. Most of my traffic comes from my amazing Twitter followers, but I think I've reached pure exhaustion. I've stopped living in the moments but rather through my phone screen.
Today I reached 900 plus followers on my Twitter account. Then I clicked on one of my new follower’s account only to see that she had 225.4k followers. All of a sudden I felt small, insecure and worthless. Within a minute I went from happy to sad just because someone has more followers than me.
I've come to realize drugs are not just the ones you learn about in school, but rather other things such as social media. Two years ago I didn't give a shit about how internet famous I was, but now I can't recognize myself. I'm so many people within 1 individual. I'm the Kay for my family that everyone loves. I'm the Kay for my friends who loves them without any limits, but now there's kirfanlive. This new person is chasing followers, likes, retweets and shares. The irony of the entire situation is that the more followers I get, the lonelier I feel. 900 plus people and I feel more lost and alone than ever before. 900 plus people to strike a conversation with, 900 plus people to make new memories with, but I just end up spending hours behind a screen; thinking of new ways to get retweets, likes and followers.
It's become a never ending chase because as soon as I got 900 followers I was counting down to 1000 followers. At what amount will I become happy with the amount of followers I have? It's become a beautiful misery because I have met so many people around the globe, but it only led me to be staring into my screen while being out with my friends. I pull out my phone before every meal, every beautiful moment, but unable to keep eye contact with the person sitting across from me.