"Dhoor ke dhol suhaane lagthe hai"
which means the sounds of the drums from a distance sound amazing.
I've never been the one to put my problems on a silver platter to share with people. Yet, I always laugh to myself when people assume I have a perfect life. What I put out on social media and show to my friends is perfect, but nothing is truly perfect.
I'm constantly praised about how well I dress and how popular I am and then those same people follow up that statement with, “you wouldn't even know what having a hard life is about.” Clothes, a nice car and friends are nice, but people can struggle in other ways as well. Even with the nice clothes and all these friends, I went through the darkest alleys all alone because I wasn't happy about a lot of things. I would often look over at others with envy because I wanted to have the smaller things in life that I could never attain.
I've been on this hunt since 2015 to find true internal happiness in this thing called zindaagi (life). I met so many people, bought tons of things, but the happiness wasn't everlasting. At one point or another I always seemed to be down; was it depression or just a boring life? I don't know.
2015-2017 have been the toughest years for me on so many different levels. I lost my 3 year girlfriend in early 2016. Then May of 2016 I graduated with my bachelors of arts in psychology, but realized this is not what I want to do in life. Then in June of 2016 I found out I got accepted into a master's program in NYC for speech pathology, but realized 3 months into it that I absolutely hate it. Then 2017 brought many life changing events that were beyond difficult. Back in 2016 I didn't realize what was wrong with me or why I felt so down -- maybe it was my recent break up, or maybe I just didn’t seem to have anything figured out. Then by late 2016 I was having such a lack of emotion with everything that I couldn't ignore it and knew I had a problem.
Even with me accepting I had a problem, I snapped 2 weeks before my graduation and for some odd reason I decided to take pills. Not enough to end it, but enough to cry out for help, for someone to listen to me. I took the pills and I was expecting to pass out, but I didn't. I just got very drowsy, but in fear I made myself throw up. Then I called my best friend and cried to him and told him something is wrong with me and I need help.
15 minutes later he came rushing to my house, put me in his car and made sure I was okay. Then he made me drink water to flush out my system, just in case. Once he saw I was okay he pulled over to the side of the road and literally beat me up. I will never forget what he said to me that night: “You selfish piece of shit, how the fuck you gonna do such a stupid thing? How are you only going to think about yourself and not for once think how much everyone loves you?” Instantly I cracked a little and started crying because I was selfish, I was only thinking about myself but in that moment, I was so clouded I didn't know what to do.
I was ashamed at what I had done and even mind boggled that I got to that point. To this day I have never told my parents. The handful of people I did tell were an amazing support group that helped picked me up. Then with mild therapy, I was able to let that cloudy feeling go that always hovered above me. I had a degree in psychology, but I ignored my own signs of depression. I had a huge family, but not one person saw the lack of emotion and happiness in my life. I blamed everyone at first, but it's nobody's fault. Depression is thought to affect people with lower self esteem. Whereas I was super extroverted -- I danced on several bhangra teams, loved being on top of all men's fashion and new hairstyles, yet I broke.
Depression doesn't look at your gender, race, social class and age; it happens because your own thoughts eat you up. You never feel good enough about yourself, you always feel like it's an uphill battle and you will never be liked by anyone. Let that sink in for a moment? I had friends, I partied, loved looking good, but I was depressed?
My birthday is this Wednesday and it’s been a year now since I have overcome my depression. Within this year things haven't gotten better, but I just changed my perspective on things. Within this year I realized that “Khushi cheezon se nehi, rishtoon se baanthi hai” (Happiness isn’t attained through materialism, but through relationships). I am also proud to say that through my entire recovery process I never touched any medication besides my daily allergy pills.
While I was going through all of these things I had one thing that always kept me sane and motivated me to stay positive. Luckily I’ve been able to reach a very large audience through my blogs and the love I get now used to seem so far fetched at one point. So when you guys take out a few minutes to message me about how much you loved my blogs, it means the world to me. Everyone who has messaged me, emailed me or even read my blogs helped make my dream a reality and pull me out of this sink hole I was so far into.
Ever since I pulled myself out of this hole I have been called “cocky”, “arrogant” and many other things. It’s not cockiness or arrogance, it’s pure confidence because I walked one of the darkest roads by myself. I completely broke from within and built myself back up to be a strong person. 1 year strong and many more years of good blogs and happiness are on its way.
Now this blog was probably the hardest piece I have written because it is so personal. I just want to remind you that this post is not a way for people to be on my side or feel bad for me. It's not a way to show off my strength, but rather it's a way to spread awareness. Depression is a very real thing, it's not just long term sadness. So when a friend reaches out to you do not be dismissive, hear them out and help them.
When you come across someone who seems to have a perfect life, take a step back and think about how much they are showing you.